Inertia

Inertia: 1. Resistance or disinclination to motion, action, or change.  2. The tendency of a body at rest to remain at rest...

This body has spent too much of the last few months sitting around.  It started as a way to avoid having to constantly step over my dog, who was losing her eyesight.  Then I began to worry about her health, which, combined with all the idleness, started to make me feel depressed.  At the same time, my job was growing more and more stressful.  And my dog's kidney issues continued to worsen, and she had to get up more frequently each night.  Eventually, I was lucky if I could sleep for two hours continuously, and I became very sleep deprived.  I didn't have the energy or brain power to do much of anything except make it through the workday and collapse at home.

As you may have guessed from my use of past tense, my dog is gone.  She died on April 20.

I noticed on a Thursday evening that she had gone completely blind (suddenly, as with most of her health changes).  She was walking into walls, she couldn't find her way around, she couldn't find her food unless I put her nose in the bowl.  I wasn't sure if it was temporary blindness caused by a seizure, or if she'd lost the last of her sight.  Over the weekend, it became clear that it was the latter.  It was time for me to make that most difficult of choices - to let her go.

I had to be at work Monday, so I arranged to take Tuesday off and made an appointment with the vet.  I came home to check on her at lunchtime; she was doing okay.  I refilled her water bowl, which she had knocked over, gave her a glob of peanut butter and said my usual goodbye.  I had to get back to work.

When I came home later that afternoon, I found her lying dead in her bed.

Though of course I sat on the floor and sobbed over her little body, I also felt I'd been given a reprieve.  It was as though she had done one final kindness for me, sparing me the trauma of taking her in for euthanasia.

I'm dealing with the loss much better than I thought I would, probably because of the circumstances.  I am sad and I miss her... but if I'd had to take her to the vet, it would have ripped my heart out.  As these things go, we were both fortunate.

I caught up on sleep, and finally feeling clear-headed, I talked to my boss to try to address some of the issues that are making my job stressful.  I think there will be some positive changes.

And now, there are many other changes I want to make in my life... if I can just overcome the inertia and get moving.